How A Four Month Old Changed My Life

This is a story of how one four month old child that I never knew changed my life. 

For most of you that know me, I am a police officer in Tennessee. I have worked in law enforcement since 2009 and have experienced a plethora of calls. There is always the risk of desensitization in my line of work, yet we are also able to retain some of our human qualities as well. 

Unfortunately for police officers, we have the stigma as being viewed more than human. Civilians expect near perfection out of us while our supervisors and cohorts simply want us to do our job and go home. It is a double edged sword that many people are unable to handle without cutting their hand open at some point. 

I can't remember what month it was, what day it was, or even what time of day it was. The only thing I can remember about this particular incident was that it occurred around the time my Grandfather passed away and that the year was 2016. 

I was dispatched to a medical call in one of the rougher neighborhoods in our city. The call was a four month old baby that was unresponsive. Before I go further, the generalization of these calls is that the children become responsive before medical or law enforcement arrive on scene. It is usually the elderly population that are truly unresponsive and never respond. 

On this particular day I would soon learn that you cannot always depend on generalization to prepare you for a call. When we arrived, the medical personnel had the baby in the front seat of the first responders truck attempting CPR. It seemed like a lifetime before the ambulance arrived to transport the baby to the hospital. 

I can remember the trip we took to the hospital. Myself and other officers doing everything we could to ensure that the ambulance had a clear path to travel straight to the hospital. When we arrived, myself and another officer went into the room and watched as the medical staff worked on that precious child to try and restore her life that she had not even had the opportunity to enjoy yet. 

After a relentless effort, the doctor finally pronounced the baby dead. While I remain stoic and passive in most cases dealing with the death of citizens, this one particular instant touched my heart more than any. 

I remember hearing the doctor pronounce the child dead and the nurses started crying. I started crying as well and did not let my superman uniform cloak my emotions. I was hurt, and destroyed because a poor child had lost the chance to live life. 

We all eventually left the hospital after the family had the opportunity to process everything that had happened and calm down. When I got in my patrol car I drove away from the hospital and again pulled into a spot where no one could see me only to cry some more. 

I immediately pulled out my cell phone and began looking at pictures of my children. I called my wife and told her what had happened and how hurt I was. When I got home that day, I took my youngest son in my arms and just held him there, thankful to hear him breathe and fight me because he didn't want to be held. 

I picked up my middle son from school and wrapped him up in my arms as well. Thankful to hear his voice and him tell me, "I love you daddy." 

When my oldest son got home from school I grabbed him and hugged him as well, though he was skeptical at first for my reasoning of doing that. I believe that he felt as though I was intending to punch him. 

From that day forward, I promised myself that no matter how busy I am or tired I would always ensure that I spent time with my children everyday in some shape, form, or fashion. 

It is with all of this in mind that I realize that a four month old baby that I never personally knew impacted my life in such a way that I will never be the same again. 

To this day, I still think of that day and if there were anything that I could do to help the child wake back up. I think of the pain I felt that day at losing a child that had no relation to me whatsoever but impacted my life in such a substantial way. I felt almost guilty for a while because all I could think about was.....What if that was my child?

It is amazing to think how one instance such as the loss of a baby you never even knew can change the way you look at life. For me, I became a better father and husband out of it. Yet I still carry some of the guilt because I was supposed to be the superman that could stop all the evil from happening in the world. I think that it is a condition of being in the profession. More than that, whether we try to or not we take some experiences in the job personal.

My mind only ponders how I will react if I experience another call such as that. And I also truly hope that other police officers will not have to deal with such a traumatic event. Whether you are superhuman or a mere mortal, a bulletproof vest stands no chance against emotions. 

I hope you enjoyed reading this post and that reading it helped you to realize some of the humanity behind officers of the law. We may not all be perfect, but we are human. We carry the burden of many experiences that would not conform to sociocultural standards. In the end, it is how we react to such abnormal situations that truly form our character and how we recover to perform our job.